Midwinter Melancholy

At this time of the year I struggle to remain positive. Not particularly due my CFS/ME, although it does seem worse in the winter, but because I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I was hoping to stick to specifically CFS/ME related topics for my first few posts, but this is the time of the year where I struggle most with SAD, and so I’m going to make a deviation. In a later post I hope to talk about depression in more detail as it is a big issue for people with CFS/ME or any chronic medical condition.

Depression is a horrible and insidious condition, and to suffer symptoms of it every year is very difficult. I’m rather lucky in that I have my symptoms mostly controlled by using a lightbox. This is a device that shines bright light at the eyes to compensate for the lack of sunlight we experience in the winter. For many SAD sufferers it is an effective treatment, and this is certainly the case for me. However, it can’t magic away all my symptoms and January, ironically, is the worst month of the year for me (I was born in January). I really struggle at this point, we’re past all the busyness and activity of Christmas, but spring is still some way off, and the days are still short and it gets dark early. It is grey and cold and it rains a lot. A few bright days can work wonders for me, but we’ve been short of those recently. 

 

If I start using my lightbox in September before the clocks change, I manage quite well until mid December. At this point I begin to be aware of a dragging sensation at the back of my mind; I want to stay in bed (even more than usual). But I carry on quite well, because in mid December I’m busy and I can keep that feeling at the back of mind. When I get to January it is quiet and there is nothing to keep me busy. Especially now that I don’t have a job or studying to do. The dragging feeling becomes more insistent and a dark cloud begins to spread out from the back of my mind, surrounding it and trapping me inside. I feel my emotions begin to be softly blunted, less real. A strange emptiness fills my mind and I begin to feel trapped. 

I am more easily upset, little things that normally wouldn’t bother me, seem to hit a tender spot, and leave me saddened and tired. I become aware of ‘holding myself together’, rather than existing as a comfortable whole being.

I have struggled particularly in the winter since I’ve had CFS/ME. The issues that arise from it play more on my mind at this time of the year. And the symptoms of SAD add to the CFS/ME symptoms. Fatigue and needing to sleep are symptoms of both, and added together they can be quite disabling. Early in the autumn I start to crave carbohydrate and fat and develop an obsession with all things chocolate. But at this time of the year my appetite begins to wane. It becomes much harder to see things in a positive light. I also become tense and anxious for no particular reason. 

In March things will begin to improve. And the emergence of any sign of spring lifts my heart a little. In fact, amazingly, I saw some daffodils pushing green shoots out of the ground yesterday. I look forward to more and more signs of spring and the feeling that soon winter will be a long way off again, on the far side of summer. 

I have noticed that using my lightbox relieves some of my CFS/ME symptoms in the first few months of using it each year. Why this should be I have no idea, but at the time it’s very helpful, it’s a shame it doesn’t seem to do it all winter.

It is thought that a lot of people have undiagnosed SAD, so if any of this sounds familiar to you, or sounds like someone you know, please look at the SAD Association’s website. Here you can find further information about SAD. The NHS also has some useful information here. If you are interested in purchasing or trialling using a lightbox I can recommend Lumie, who I have bought several lightboxes and other products from over the years. 

‘Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me.’ - Anne Morrow Lindbergh