Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway

The problem with pacing is it requires living a very regimented life within the bounds of what you are able to do without being exhausted. When your tolerance limits are pretty low this cuts out an awful lot of things that make life enjoyable. You can plan and organise and conserve energy ‘til the cows come home, but some things are just going to take more energy than you have available. At this point you have a choice. You can either, not do it and stick to your pacing, or you can do it and pay the price. You can miss out on exciting and important events and doing things that you love, or you can do them and suffer for it

My sister is getting married this summer. I am so pleased and excited for her, as personally I love being married. And I know she and her fiancé will be very happy. She asked me to be a bridesmaid for her, as she was for me. I didn’t hesitate at all in saying ‘yes’, which I think surprised her slightly. We all know the day is going to be ‘too much’ for me, unless I make a miraculous recovery in the next few months, and I think some members of my family are very concerned about this. Whilst I appreciate their concern and I am grateful for their desire to make things easier for me, I am not concerned in the slightest. I know it will be ‘too much’, but given the choice of not fully participating and maybe being ok, or participating fully and suffering I would rather give it my all and pay for it.

I’ve called this post ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’, but for me there is no fear, there was earlier in my illness, but not now. I know what the price is and I am willing to pay it. I think other people may be frightened or worried on my behalf sometimes, but as I told someone recently, ‘It’s my choice, don’t worry. If I wasn’t prepared to accept the consequences I wouldn’t be doing it.’ I enjoy and make the most of these events in my life whilst not dwelling on the consequences. I suppose I have learned to ‘live in the moment’.

Obviously I cannot adopt this attitude all the time. Ninety to ninety-five percent of the time I live carefully and pace myself, living within the boundaries my illness has given me. I believe that is the only way I can hope to recover. Fortunately I am now healthy enough that I can do quite a few enjoyable and life affirming things within these boundaries. But sometimes there are things that are too important to miss, and I accept the price for these things with no regret or misgiving. I accept what I cannot change. I believe you cannot go through life avoiding the things which make it worth living.

 ‘Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.’ - Sidney J. Harris