The Lighting Process

Well, I have been absent for a very long time, but I am back to report on my greatest success. I no longer have ME! My life took a turn for the worse late 2013 and I struggled greatly. As a result my health deteriorated again and I was close to despair. My desire to recover from CFS/ME reached its highest level and all of a sudden things began to line up. My sister reminded me of the Lightning Process. She had mentioned it to me some time ago and I read Phil Parkers ‘An introduction to the Lighting Process’. But at that time although I found the book very interesting I didn’t feel ready to try the Lighting Process for myself. But all of a sudden in December 2013 I felt I had nothing to lose. Almost everything I valued in my life was gone. And I felt the only way to rebuild my life was to recover and be healthy again.

I found a practice that taught the Lightning Process near me – Neurologica – and I phoned up and had a chat with Sam who takes the courses. I had quite a few concerns which we discussed. My main concern was ‘what if it doesn’t work for me?’ Sam told me that that the only barrier would be how determined I was. I laughed – it was the best thing he could have said. I am incredibly determined and never give up once my mind is set on something. He wasn’t going to be doing a course near me until January, but suggested that I come on the next course he was doing in Highgate that weekend. I was slightly thrown… but I could see no reason to delay. I spoke to him again later in the week and we went through a sort of assessment to see if I was in the right place mentally to do the course – thankfully I was.

That Saturday morning found me driving to my sister’s home near Kingston and getting a train into central London. This was followed by my first solo trip on the tube since being ill. It was tiring and hard. I got to Highgate and had a ten minute walk to the venue. As you might imagine by the time I arrived I was pretty worn out. The first session was very interesting. I learnt the basics of the Lightning Process, LP, that afternoon. That evening I met my sister and her husband to go to a party. I had to constantly keep doing the LP, and it was quite a struggle. We got back to my sister’s very late. I was exhausted but I struggled to sleep. Thankfully I was able to use the LP to get more sleep than I might have done otherwise and I began to see that if the LP could help me sleep it could work to relieve my fatigue.

The Sunday morning started badly. Due to engineering works loads of trains were cancelled and it was a huge struggle to get there and I was late. I was also even more tired than I had been the day before. I learnt the rest of the LP that afternoon and went back to a quiet evening with my sister and brother in law. 

The LP really helped me get some good sleep that night and I set out for a walk down to the river the next morning. I was stopping constantly to do the process and mentally I was struggling to believe it would work for me. I sat down on a bench by the river. It was cold and damp and misty – a typical December morning. I knew some people needed to work for quite a while before they got the LP to work for them, and I was resigned to the fact this would be me. Despite this thought there was no way I was giving up. I could already use it to shift the fatigue slightly for a few minutes. Just nothing dramatic. I did the Lightning Process yet again in my head and stood to continue my walk. As I did so the fatigue descended heavier than ever, but something woke in me ‘No!’ and I slammed the last part of the process back into my mind as I walked off. As I did so I suddenly felt the fatigue lift off me as if a physical weight had been resting on my shoulders and was removed. It was such an incredible feeling of relief that I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, in fact I feel them again, at the memory as I write this. I walked along in a blurry daze, revelling in the lightness of my body. Finally I had to turn away from the river, and the fatigue descended again. But it was nowhere near as bad, and now I knew that if I kept up the hard work of using the LP I could rid myself of the fatigue permanently. 

My trip to Highgate that afternoon was almost a joy. I revelled in being able to walk up steps and not feel heavy and tired. I revelled in my walk from the tube station, feeling energised by the exercise. I told me story to the rest of the group, delighted with my progress. It was an amazing day. I was still doing the process a lot, but the results were getting better and better. I stopped on my way back to buy myself a ready meal and a small bottle of wine and some pudding to celebrate as I was on my own at my sisters that evening. I revelled in being able to stand in a queue without feeling like I might collapse; I revelled in the walk back from the station. I revelled in feeling alive. 

Since then I have started working again and have fully resumed my career. I went back to see Sam for some follow up a week after and when I was done I got off the tube in central London feeling ‘what now?’ For the first time in my life the busy city suddenly seemed interesting and bustling rather than stressful and noisy. I spent a good long time in one of my favourite shops off Oxford Street. I thoroughly explored John Lewis and enjoyed a coffee and some lunch. I got the train back to my sister’s and as I was leaving Waterloo I saw the London Eye and wistfully wished I had the whole day to spend and could go on the Eye then and there. Well, the Eye will have to wait for another day. But I feel my life is starting over. Not only do I no longer have ME, but I haven’t needed to use my lightbox for SAD since doing the process. My sleeping tablets were down to the minimum dose, and within a week or two I stopped them completely. Chronic pain problems I had suffered with have vanished. I cannot believe how all my health problems have evaporated. I feel as if I have woken from a terrible nightmare, that I hadn’t even realised was a nightmare until after it was gone. Never in my life have I felt so strong and healthy.

The Lightning Process itself is a very clever tool - the more I use it the more I learn about how versatile it is. If you are interested in it, please read the book. It would not help for me to divulge it to you here. Suffice to say, if someone had shown me the process before I did it and said ‘this will make you better’ I would not have believed them. The journey isn’t the Lightning Process itself; it’s more getting to the point where you are prepared to put the effort in to make the LP work. The Lightning Process isn’t a journey, it just marks the end of my CFS/ME journey and the beginning of the healthy and happy journey that is the rest of my life.

I doubt I'll be here much in the future. But I hope that other CFS/ME sufferers will find this blog and take some hope from it. Recovery is possible! Believe! Take control! But now my life is calling... I'm off to live it!

Going it Alone

I have to say, I am really was quite proud of myself last week. I have finally managed to look after myself and Walter whilst my husband was away on business. And I went to work as well. I cannot say how chuffed I am that I coped.

Up until recently Walter has been having a short trip to a local kennels every time my husband was away as I couldn’t cope with looking after him and myself. But a little while back he was away for just one night and I thought it would be good to test my capabilities. So Walter stayed at home and we managed just fine. 

This time it was a little longer and a bit more effort was required. So I did a bit of preparation to make things easier. When I did the shopping (I do grocery shopping online) I ordered myself several ready meals so that I wouldn’t have to do much to cook my dinner. Thereby eliminating something that requires quite a bit of energy normally. I also downloaded a flashlight app onto my phone so that when I took Walter out for his last toilet trip at night I wouldn’t trip on the garden steps in the dark.

So on Sunday afternoon my husband dashed off to catch the bus and Walter and I were left on our own. We watched some TV together for most of the afternoon and then I microwaved my own dinner and fed Walter. Finally at bedtime I took him out for his toilet trip and safely navigated the garden with my flashlight app. All my preparation was paying off. 

The bit I was most concerned about was getting up early to take Walter for his morning walk, but I stumbled out of bed and we did a short walk down the road. Back home and we both had breakfast and then I left Walter to his own devices whilst I did my light box (it’s a visor and frightens him) and woke up a bit more with a cup of tea. Later we did a trip to the canal for a proper walk and then I made a cake to take into work as my birthday was imminent. Sadly for Walter it was a chocolate cake so he wasn’t allowed a little taste of anything, but he lay and watched me very carefully and cleaned up a small spillage of icing sugar. Yet again my ready meal for dinner proved to be an excellent way to preserve energy and my flashlight app worked a treat. 

Finally the real challenge was on Tuesday morning as I was working, so I had to walk Walter and get myself organised for work. I did a few time saving things the previous evening, like putting some water in the kettle for my tea and laying out my clothes for work (normally I’m never that organised). And I managed fine. I headed off to work, leaving Walter to nap until his dog walker arrived. When I got back we had a quiet hour or two in front of the TV and then a bit of a play after dinner. I did almost fall down the steps when we came back in after the bedtime toilet outing, but that was because I was foolishly turning the flashlight app off rather than paying attention. 

My husband arrived back in the small hours and kindly saved me from having to take Walter out as well as getting ready for work for a second day. But all in all I think I coped very well. It was also nice to have some furry company rather than being on my own. 

I think this has made me realise how far I’ve progressed. Not only did I cope with looking after myself and Walter but I went to work for a few hours. A year ago this would have been impossible. I may still not be normal, but to be capable of looking after myself and another being (albeit not human) without help has given me a huge confidence boost.

Back to Business

Well, it’s been quite a while since I’ve had a chance to sit down a write a blog post. I do apologise for my absence. So this is a post just to fill you all in on what has been going on in the last few months. To say a lot has happened would be an understatement. 

Back in September, I was looking at getting out into the world a bit more again, I’d been to a WI meeting and I have since joined. I also started going to a choir. Whilst this was all going on I had been quietly hunting for a part time job. Fairly soon after I started at the choir I got an interview and then offered a position, not one that I had applied for, but actually a far more suitable one. So I started back at work for a few hours a week. 

Just to make things even more exciting Walter started being sick again. I find taking him to the vets incredibly stressful and the poor little chap had to go for all sorts of tests. However, finally we have a diagnosis of inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). This is not IBS, but something rather more detrimental, where the immune system attacks the gut and can potentially cause a lot of damage. Fortunately at this point Walter has it fairly mildly, so fingers crossed it stays mild. He’s now on some medication and much happier and calmer. It was only with hindsight that I realised how much it had been affecting him.

 
What with everything that was going on I decided I had to drop the choir, it was just too much. Then, to top everything else off someone close to me was diagnosed with cancer. It was a bit of a shock to all of us. They have had surgery and are now recovering well, but it hasn’t been an easy time. As a result I’ve missed a few WI meetings, but I have every intention of getting to the February meeting.

Just to add a few more minor problems, several household items have expired in the last few months, so we’ve had to replace our microwave and TV. The washing machine is spouting water in all directions, we’re about the replace our car as it is on it’s last legs (wheels?), and although it seems a while ago now our central heating stopped working in the autumn. And just to add to the excitement we have discovered a damp problem in the corner of our kitchen.  All in all it’s been an exhausting and expensive time.

It doesn’t look like much all written here, but probably more has happened in the last few months than the whole three years I’ve had ME, so my spare time for writing has been a little limited. Now, at last, I have time to catch my breath and I shall be getting back to some writing with the aid of a wonderful present from my husband of a laptop - which I am currently using to write this. 

I wish you all a happy new year and I shall be writing more very soon.

Going for a Song

One of the problems with having CFS/ME is you become very isolated. It’s a very lonely illness, as are many debilitating illnesses. You just cannot get out and about as much as most people and travelling is hard work.

Although I have been living in the same area for twelve years now, the number of people who live in the area who I consider friends I can count on one hand. Most of the friends I made here were at university, where I have spent eight of the last twelve years. Sadly (for me) most of my university friends have scattered to the four corners of the country, and I can see them only occasionally.

Anyway with the exception of my husband I see very few people. My family visit when they can, but I spend at least half of all my waking hours alone (other than Walter). Walter is a wonderful little individual, and I love him dearly, but at the end of the day he is a dog, and it really isn’t possible to have a meaningful conversation with a dog. Or any kind of conversation for that matter.  He has definitely alleviated my loneliness, but he can never replace the need for human company.

So with all this in mind and my steady improvements in strength and stamina, I started thinking about how I might meet some new friends. I remembered seeing a programme about the Women’s Institute (WI) that said that a lot more younger women were members these days and that it wasn’t just about baking and jam making (not that I have any objections to backing and jam making). So with that in mind I decided the WI might be a good place to start. I found several WI groups in my area and one in particular looked promising: the Bath WI. They had an up to date website and even a facebook page. I felt this boded well for the group to be young and thriving. And so I plucked up some courage and went along to their meeting at the beginning of July.

Well, they turned out to be a lovely and welcoming bunch of ladies. There were lots of other new members too, so I felt comfortable. The first meeting was a tea tasting session, which was fascinating and very enjoyable, and all in all a great success. So I went to their next meeting at the beginning of September. I recognised a few people, and a few ladies recognised me. This meeting was a singing lesson taken by the assistant director of music for Bath abbey. Now, I used to sing a lot and have been in choirs on and off for a lot of my life. But it was only during this meeting that I realised how much I miss singing. I had a wonderful time. It was a fun and light-hearted evening with a good dose of singing thrown in. I got home very tired but feeling very happy and positive. I definitely think it may be time for me to find a choir again.

So I shall be off to the WI meeting again next month. I’m already looking forward to it. And I shall be investigating local choirs – yet another opportunity to meet more people.

Down by the River

One of the difficult things about CFS/ME is it’s very difficult to stay fit. In fact when your health is below a certain level it’s impossible. You just don’t have any energy to spare for exercise. It’s getting used up on much more basic everyday tasks.

Two years ago we got our dog Walter. At the time he was a puppy and I hoped that as Walter grew up and could walk further I would get stronger and be able to walk further too. Unfortunately that didn’t go to plan, because as Walter inevitably grew I deteriorated. However, two years later I feel ready to start improving my fitness levels more seriously.

I have been gradually improving them for the best part of a year now, and Walter and I have a little circular walk we do through our village. As the months have gone by I’m gradually extended it as my strength has improved. The circuit started out as just over a kilometre and then I expanded it to about two and three quarter kilometres. Last week I suddenly realised that a path along the river that has been closed for a long time had reopened and would be a perfect opportunity to expand my route and give Walter a new and hopefully interesting outing.  It also increased the circuit to three and a quarter kilometres and included several hills. So last week I tried it for the first time. I did cut it a bit short as I felt I was pushing my luck, but we did it again this week and I did the whole circuit.

Walter loved it. The day after we first did it I was only able to do a shorter version for our walk, but Walter really wanted to cross over the road and go down to the river. He stood by the crossing and whined, and looked at me and back over the road and whined some more. Never has he expressed such a desire to do a particular walk. On that occasion I had to say no, but we did it again yesterday, and he trotted eagerly over the road and we went down to the river. He had to stick his nose into everything. Obviously there are lots of new and exciting smells by the river.

Eventually I hope I can link this walk up with another one I do along the canal, which at the moment requires a trip in the car. But it’s something I need to build up gradually.

So why the sudden obsession with fitness? Well apart from the fact that I need to build up some physical strength, my husband and I are hoping to make a trip to the Lake District later in the year and I really want to be able to do a bit of walking. In my pre-CFS/ME life we did a lot of walking in the Lake District. In fact when I first got CFS/ME I said I would know I was better when I could walk up Skiddaw again (a very steep walk). Well, I don’t think Skiddaw is on the cards this year, but I’m hoping I might manage some shorter and less demanding walks in the fells.