Following on from my post last week, this is about my recovery from depression. As I mentioned last time it is a seemingly impossible thing to do, you know that you can never recover. The odds seem completely against you, and it takes enormous will power to even try.
One day I decided to start taking down the walls. Trying to believe that I could get better, but knowing that I never could. Each morning I had to make the decision anew, and some days I failed to make it and I stayed in bed and cried. But gradually there were more mornings where I made the decision to get better. I learnt all I could from my CBT sessions and put it into practice, and that helped a lot. I talked to people, I tried to keep going and live and do things. In fact I found that doing things helped. Often talking to people helped too. Which must have been a relief for everyone around me, because I was horrible to live with, I snapped at people and said hurtful things. Ultimately, it is impossible to make connections with people when you are trapped in a prison where you cannot feel love or compassion. There is also a terrible sense of guilt for not loving people you used to love, and the urge to push them away is very strong. But, I began to learn to accept help and to talk, and I learnt to think before I spoke and try to be nice and reasonable, and failing all else to say: ‘I’m really sorry, but I feel crap, I just need to be on my own.’
I was also taking antidepressants. I’m not a fan of antidepressants particularly, they will not cure depression. But they can help, they can ‘kick you off the bottom’. They certainly have their place, as part of a treatment programme that includes therapy and/or counselling. If you are taking antidepressants and they don’t seem to be working, speak to your GP as there are several types and what works for one person may not work for another.
At some point I was better, it took years, but one day I no longer had to make the decision. I had bouts of ‘getting in the box’ again. And as bizarre as this will sounds to some of you, it was because it was a safe place; nothing could hurt me in there, except myself. I still needed to learn better ways of coping and at some point I did. I forgot how to get in the box. I went through some really upsetting stuff and I cried a lot and was unhappy a lot, but I didn’t get in the box, and I couldn’t remember how to. My mind seems to have finally learnt how to deal with problems healthily.
Sadly for anyone with CFS/ME and depression, one of the tools to fight depression with is likely to make the CFS/ME worse if not managed correctly. And that tool is exercise. I have no answers for this problem, only to do a little as often as you can, in a sensible and paced way. Don’t go mad and spend three hours at the gym if you’ve previously been doing nothing. Take it slowly.
Things that helped me:
- CBT – A list of registered therapists can be found on the BACAP website (British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies) – it requires dedication and work from the patient for it to be successful, but if you can devote yourself to learning from CBT it can really help. Sadly not many areas offer it on the NHS, but check with your GP. There are however therapists that will offer discounts to people on low incomes.
- Online CBT – For anyone who can’t get free CBT and can’t afford to pay for it, the MoodGYM may be helpful. They also have a new program called e-couch that can be found on the MoodGYM main page.
- EPA or Eicosapentaenoic acid can be very helpful in improving the symptoms of depression. There is actually some medical evidence that it can be helpful. From what I have read most trials found that daily doses of over 1g were effective. I take Ideal Omega 3 which has 700mg in and I find it effective for stabilising my mood and improving concentration. Another option is MorEPA which has a slightly lower dose of EPA, but some argue that the purity of this is better. Both of these products are available at varying prices from many websites, so do a bit of research before buying.
- Books – In particular, books by Dorothy Rowe, I found ‘Breaking the Bonds’ extremely helpful, but she has several other books that may be of interest.
- If you find depression symptoms worsen in the winter you may have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – please check out my post about this, it includes several useful links.
- Exercise – the recommended amount for helping depression is to get out of breath or increase your heart rate for thirty minutes, three times a week.
Here are the links for several of the UK mental health charities; they will provide help, information and advice if you need it:
Finally, if you are reading this and you are really struggling with depression and are feeling suicidal, pick up the phone now. Phone someone and talk to them, tell them and get some help. If you can’t talk to someone you know, phone the Samaritans.
I recovered from depression and became a healthy and happy mentally balanced person. There is no way to describe how difficult it was. I have done my best here, but this merely hints at how much I struggled. But it was the most worthwhile thing I fought for. If you can start fighting you have made a big step on the way to recovery. Get help, you will need it; this is not something to be done alone. And keep fighting for as long as it takes, accept that some days you can’t fight, but know that every day you do fight counts. If I can do it, so can you.
‘In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression. I loved it because it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my pain.’ - Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation (1994)
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